upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
