I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
