I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
