So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
