My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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