someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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