I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
