You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
