This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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