i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
