I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
