Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We had to coat check the pizza.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
