y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My balls are so social today.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
