There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
