That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
