I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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