Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
