I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
