I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
