Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
