My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
