She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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