I hope my margaritas pass through security.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize