Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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