I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
