i love accidental penises.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
