you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
