I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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