Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
