when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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