I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
