Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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