I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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