Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
