Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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