i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
