Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
