He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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