I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
