2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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