I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
