He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
