I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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