whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
