Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
