You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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