Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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