I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
