People in love make me want to vomit
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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