Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
