I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
