So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
