It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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