Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
