Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
