Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Someone came in the potted fern
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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