Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
