I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
