he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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