If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
