After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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