So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
